One Evening
by Virginie24jb
Summary: One evening. An evening that already felt different from the start. One event, that led to another and a life-changing experience.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **_This story takes place somewhere in season 6. Castle and Beckett are engaged. Kate works for the NYPD and still has her apartment. They haven't moved in together yet._

* * *

**Chapter 1**

It had been months since his last public appearance but strangely, Castle was not as excited about it as he thought he would have been. He had tried to find multiple excuses not to come, he had dodged the participation to this kind of events for weeks but it was inevitable this time. He was still a writer, which he would sometimes forget as his consulting at the precinct was taking a larger part of his life every day. His job as a writer required to show up at fancy parties. He had signed a contract and had to abide by it. There were compromises to be made... just like in a marriage.

Not so long ago, he was having fun at these parties, being surrounded with beautiful women wanting their boobs signed and drinking a few glasses of champagne. But lately, it had become a burden. Had he grown older? Had he become wiser? When Castle got out of the car sent by his publisher, the first thing he did was taking a look at his watch, sighing. He was already feeling blasé, impervious to the excitement surrounding this party. He would be better at home. With her. He breathed deeply and motivated himself. Just a few hours and all of this would be over.

# # #

Kate was alone, Castle having to attend a party with other writers and publishers at the Lincoln Center. She had had several nights lately where she had hardly found any sleep. She needed to rest. It was 9:15 PM and she was already in bed that night when her cellphone rang. She couldn't help but smile when she saw his face show up on the screen.

"Hey, Castle. Already bored?" she teased.

"Nah, I haven't had the time to be bored yet. I tried the champagne and twelve different appetizers, not bad. But I think boredom will come pretty soon. Just five more appetizers and I'll get there..."

"I thought you liked those parties."

"When I didn't have anything better to do. _Our_ parties are better," he whispered before being a little more serious. "I knew you were going to bed early and that you'd turn off your cellphone so... I wanted to call you... to hear your voice, wish you good night," he said gently.

"Thanks, that's sweet. Actually I'm already in bed," she said, cuddled up in the quilt, softly brushing his pillow.

"Oh... I didn't wake you, did I?" he asked, wincing as he waited for her answer.

"No, you didn't," she said with a tender smile. Castle sighed of relief. "You know what? Turns out, I hate going to bed alone. Your side is cold, I've got no one to cuddle up with," she said with a sad tone in her voice.

"Just two or three more hours and I'll be able to join you. You can warm up my side of the bed if you want."

"Already am," she said. Kate had moved to his side, attracted by his scent. "You can wake me up when you come home, okay?"

"Maybe I will."

"Good," she whispered. "You should. That way maybe we could enjoy one of our parties you are so fond of..." she teased him with a sensual voice.

"Hmm, that sounds good," he grinned. "What are you wearing? Nothing? No, don't tell me. I'll find out myself. Like a surprise... I think I'll definitely wake you up," he said making up his mind. Kate laughed. "Okay, not that I don't like the sound of your sweet voice but I gotta go. Still have a few hands to shake and I need to find Pete Daniels. He still owes me a few bucks from a poker game we did last year. And you need to rest so... Sweet dreams! I see you later."

"Bye. Try to have fun," she said gently.

"I love you," Castle whispered.

"I love you too," Kate answered before staring at the screen for a second until his face disappeared of it.

She pushed the sleep button of her phone once, and twice. So that it would light up again. She smiled at the sight of her background picture. Their relationship and engagement being public, she had changed her background for a picture of them together. A picture they had taken with her phone when they had spent an afternoon cuddled on the bed. _Sweet dreams_...

Castle looked around when he hung up. He had sneaked out of the ball room to make the call. He was alone. The silence around him was peaceful. If only he could be home.

# # #

The banging wouldn't stop. First she thought it was part of her dream from which she was slowly emerging. But she wasn't dreaming. She kept hearing it in the distance as she woke up. Someone _was_ banging on her door, calling her name. She looked at the alarm clock. 10:03 PM. She felt she had already slept for hours... and yet it had only been less than an hour. She reluctantly got up, grumpy and walked down the stairs carefully as she did not want to miss a step.

"Beckett! What were you doing? I tried to call you!" Esposito said as soon as she had opened the door.

He was anxious, impatient. Something was definitely wrong but Kate was still half-asleep and didn't notice.

"I was sleeping. Why? What's going on?" she asked, rubbing her eyes.

"You haven't heard?"

"Heard what? I told you, I was sleeping," she chuckled.

"There's been a shooting."

"Where?" she asked, being alert all of a sudden.

Esposito hesitated for a second. How would she take the news?

"Lincoln Center." Kate felt the strength leaving her body. Her imagination took over as bloody images were already flooding her mind. She was completely awake now and he had her full attention. "Ryan's already over there. I came to take you."

"Castle..." she said under her breath.

"We don't know yet. We couldn't reach him. He's not answering his phone."

**_To Be Continued..._**

**_Reviews are always appreciated! :)_**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

When Beckett and Esposito arrived at the Lincoln Center, part of Broadway and Columbus Avenue had been blocked to the circulation. Kate felt the world crumble under her feet as she got out of the car and discovered dozens of ambulances and police cars stationed in front of the building. The Feds and a SWAT team were there as well. Kate stayed petrified for a moment, unable to move, unable to take her eyes off the twinkling lights. She eventually closed the door of the car and started walking slowly, absent-mindedly, towards the building, one step at the time as though she feared getting any closer.

"Katherine!" she heard in the distance.

Her eyes set upon Martha and Alexis who were standing with Ryan near the _do not cross_ tape. She joined them with Esposito.

"Castle?" she whispered, hoping they would have some news.

Ryan shook his head, looking sorry. Martha and Alexis were in tears.

"Nothing yet. I spoke with a medic. He said it's complete chaos in there. He's never seen anything like it..." Ryan explained as some EMTs were taking yet another injured person out of the building.

The man on the stretcher had a respiratory mask on the face and was covered with a survival blanket. He was small, thin. It was someone else's boyfriend. Someone else's son and maybe someone else's father. But it wasn't him.

"I'm going in," Kate said.

"Wait, are you sur-"

"He's somewhere in there. I'm going in," she said, as determined as she could be.

Ryan gave a quick look towards Esposito, then nodded agreeing with her decision. He knew there was nothing he could say to make her give up the idea.

"Okay. Javier, you go with her? I stay with them. Let me know when you learn something... When you find him."

The same thought crossed everybody's mind. They would find him, eventually. Dead or alive, it remained to be seen.

# # #

The sight in front of her was unbearable, worse than anything she had ever seen in her career. Shattered glasses and plates were scattered all over the place. The walls were riddled with bullet holes. Bodies were lying on the floor. They were all well dressed. Tuxedos, thousand-dollars suits, dresses... All surrounded by pools of blood. Some had been hit in the head. They were barely recognizable. Her heart was beating faster every time her eyes landed on another body. She was always fearing for the worst. What if he was lying there? What if he was one of them?

Kate was slowly wandering in the main room, tears uncontrollably running down her cheeks as cops, Feds, medics, medical examiners were all rushing everywhere to assist the wounded or cover the corpses of men and women.

"The shooter's been killed. Twelve casualties and fourteen injured so far, including two in a critical state. Still counting," Esposito briefed her.

She wasn't even listening. She was not here for work. She couldn't think clearly. It was too much.

# # #

A man was sat on the floor, his back against a pillar. He was not moving. Even his look seemed static, directed toward a body lying on the ground just a few feet away from him. This man's white shirt was stained with blood. It was another victim maybe, because he did not seem to react to anything that was happening around him. He was totally impervious to the chaos surrounding him. It seemed no one had noticed him hidden behind this pillar.

"Castle..." she mumbled under her breath. "Castle!" Kate yelled, running towards him. He absent-mindedly looked up at sound of his name, at the sound of her voice. "You're hurt!" she said seeing the blood on his shirt. "Somebody help!" she yelled, looking for a medic.

"No, no. I'm... I'm fine, it's not mine, I'm okay. It's..." he told her softly, closing his eyes when he saw the body lying a few feet away.

"Oh my God, you're okay?" she asked shaking from head to toe, kneeled by his side, her hand on his cheek. "Castle?" Kate asked again seeing he wasn't answering. "Rick? Rick, look at me," she whispered, gently making him turn his eyes away from the man lying in front of him. "You're okay?" she asked again, sobbing. He stared at her for a long moment then nodded softly. "Okay... Alright, good. Can you... Can you stand up? Easy, easy..." Kate said as she helped him get back up on his feet.

He needed to lean on the pillar as he tried to stand on his feet. He winced of pain as he set his right foot on the ground. Esposito was standing aside, talking on the phone. Kate let herself fall into Castle's arms. She was feeling selfish. With all these people injured around them and the casualties, she was feeling relieved... But for once she felt she had the right to be selfish, she had the right to care more about her own life and his than the others. Tears were flowing down her cheeks, and his.

"Alexis... My mother?" he asked as they pulled away.

"I just got off the phone with Ryan," Esposito said as he approached. "He's outside with them. He told them you were okay."

Castle gripped his shoulder and nodded in gratitude.

"You're hurt," she said seeing he was limping, barely able to stand on his right foot.

"No, I just..." he started, sounding completely shaken. He looked like he had just woken up from a bad dream, like he had no idea where he was and what was going on. He was definitely not in his normal state. How could he be? "It must be from when I jumped for cover. I must have hit something. It's okay," he reassured her.

And really, compared to the injuries of other attendees, he just considered himself lucky.

"Let's get out of here, okay?" she said, her hand gently caressing his cheek.

Esposito helped Kate support him as they slowly walked to the entrance hall. A medic instinctively came to Castle, seeing his limping and his shirt stained with blood. But Castle refused his help. He was fine. Compared to others.

# # #

When she finally saw her son limping out of the building, surrounded by Esposito and Beckett, Martha ran towards him and jumped in his arms. Alexis did the same.

"Oh Richard!" Martha exclaimed, crying.

"Shhh, I'm okay. I'm okay," he told them, before kissing them both. "I'm fine."

"Dad..." Alexis said, sobbing.

They spent a minute embraced in each other's arms. He was alive and well. For a moment in there, he had thought he would never see them again, that he would never even walk out of this building alive.

"Darling, you look like hell. Let's take you home, okay? I'm gonna ma-" Martha said.

"I'm afraid he's gonna have to stay a while longer, Martha. The Feds want to talk to every witness. He needs to make a deposition, tell them... what happened," Esposito told Castle's family.

Castle could barely retain his emotions at these words. _What happened. _But he managed to keep his head up.

"You should go home, I'll be right behind you," he told them in a husky voice.

"We're not leaving you," Alexis said, gripping his arm.

"I'm okay," he said hugging her again. "I'll be there as soon as I can, I promise," he told her before giving her a soft kiss on her forehead. "Please... you shouldn't stay here."

"I'm gonna drive them home. I'll call Beckett when we've arrived," Ryan said, reassuring Castle, who shook his hand to thank him.

He knew he could not utter any more word without breaking down entirely. He gave them a last forced smile and watched them get in Ryan's car. As soon as they were out of sight, he collapsed, his back against the wall.

"Hey, buddy. Are you alright?" Esposito asked.

Castle looked up at him. How could he be _alright_? Physically, he was okay with probably just a twisted ankle. A few days and he would be able to walk normally again. But what he had experienced that night was beyond anything he had ever seen or felt. Kate squatted next to him, holding his hand.

"See?... My job is as dangerous as yours," he said. "I wasn't fond of those parties before... but now I really hate them." It was the only way to not completely break down. He could feel it. He was about to. But this was his way of trying to resist. His coping mechanism was back. "Please _never_ come with me to an event like that. Even if I ask you, even if I insist. You refuse, okay?"

"Rick... Shhh," she said trying to comfort him. "It was an isolated act. It's over."

Castle looked her in the eyes for a moment before resting his head backward against the wall. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. But he opened them again quickly. What he was seeing was worse than the reality in front of his eyes. Memories. Bloody and scary memories.

**_To Be Continued..._**

**_Reviews are always appreciated! :)_**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 **

It wouldn't stop. The entire night. The entire day. Noises, flashes... He didn't know how to make it go away. At first he had thought about writing about it. Putting his experience and feelings on paper. After all it was his job. But nothing had come. He had stared at a blank page for hours. No words could describe his feelings, the atrocity of this act and its consequences. It was easier to just make things up than to actually express its own emotions.

Castle had chosen another option. He had poured himself a first glass of whiskey. It felt good. Better than anything he had experienced in the last two days. He poured himself another one. And another one. He had moved to the piano where he had placed his bottle and his glass within easy reach. He kept pushing on the keys of the piano. Sometimes it would be the same key over and over again, quickly. Was he trying to recreate the sounds he was hearing in his head? The sound of the gun being fired, of the bullets flying? Or was he simply trying to cover it as best as he could?

Martha was witnessing this miserable spectacle, helpless. She had never seen him like this. She decided she had to intervene. Without saying a word, she walked closer and took the bottle to see how empty it was.

"Mother, put it back down on the piano. Now."

"You've always warned us not to put a glass on it, to keep it-" she said, trying to change subject.

"Give it back to me."

"Richard, you should stop. It's..." she said but couldn't finish.

It was hard to see her son like this. She had no idea what was on his mind. He wouldn't talk about it. She didn't know how to deal with it, how to help him.

"I don't want your pity, I want that bottle. You put it back down on the piano, or we'll have a problem."

Martha noticed he was becoming aggressive. She complied, not wanting to upset him even more. He poured himself another glass and even drank a shot directly at the bottle. Martha left shaking her head, desperate, and headed directly to her phone.

# # #

Kate had left her paperwork lying on her desk and had headed to the loft as soon as she had gotten the call from Martha. She hadn't thought he would have gone down that road. Maybe she had underestimated the impact of what he had been through. Having had him by her side for years, she thought he had gotten used to seeing bodies. But apparently it was different this time. Hell, it had even been hard for her as well and she had missed the action. She couldn't even imagine what it must have been like for those who were inside.

When she walked in, she did not immediately notice him. He was sat down against the pillar next to the piano. Exactly like she had found him two nights earlier.

"Castle..." she whispered as she got closer, realizing how bad it was.

"Hey, you're home!" he exclaimed, being obviously drunk.

"What are you doing?" she asked gently, almost murmuring.

She did not want to push him. She knew all too well how easy it was for someone to snap and lose it in a situation like this. It was also easy to say something you could not take back when you didn't have your mind straight. She had been there. Old memories of her father rushed through her mind. Recent memories of herself rushed through her mind.

"Sat behind a pillar... doing nothing. That's where I belong." He seemed to be recreating it. "Don't you... don't you have a... deja-vu... kind of... feeling?" he said.

"Castle-" she sighed.

"Want some?" he asked handing her the bottle.

Kate took the bottle, only to see that it was almost empty. She couldn't help but shake her head, sighing. This was reminding her of the numerous times she had found her father in the same situation.

"You shouldn't do that... Castle, that's not gonna help."

She stared at him for a moment, but he didn't seem to care at all. He finished his glass as though she wasn't here. She eventually stood up and left with the bottle, knowing it would make him react.

"Hey, hey!" he exclaimed. "Give it back!" he yelled trying to stand up.

But it was hard for him to stand up on his own, especially with his right foot that still hurt. The level of alcohol in his blood wasn't helping either. He held himself up to the piano before trying to take two or three quick steps to reach the couch.

"What are you trying to do? You think you can drink it away? You think you can forget? Maybe you will, for an hour, and then it will be back."

"At least I'll be able to sleep for an hour," he retorted.

"It's really hard to see you like this... for your mother, for me. I see myself all over again. That sniper case after I got shot... I did that. It didn't help, trust me."

"Maybe it will for me. Now give me the damn bottle!"

Castle tried to reach it but collapsed on the couch instead. He was feeling pathetic. He was exhausted, completely burned out. He hadn't slept more than an hour straight since it had happened. Castle took his head in his hands, like he was covering his ears.

"I keep... I hear them over and over again... I hear them scream... I hear..." He was now openly crying, pulling on his hair. It was simply unbearable. "I hear the bullets... hitting the walls... and others..." he said before moaning, "hitting flesh. I want it to stop! Make it stop, please!" he said crying.

"Rick..." Kate whispered, as she sat next to him. Castle laid down and rested his head on her lap. She had her hand in his hair, like she would do to comfort a little boy. "Shhhh, it's gonna be okay..."

Castle was fighting against the hammering sounds in his head and an increasingly painful headache. They stayed quiet a long moment.

"I'm tired. I'm so tired!" he said crying.

"I know," she whispered, tears in her eyes.

She had never seen him so vulnerable, so hurt. She wanted to help as much as she could. She kept gently running her hand through his hair for several minutes. He was calming down a bit, breathing more normally and he had stopped crying.

"Why?" he asked. "Why... would someone do that, Kate?"

"I don't know," she said, wondering the same. "Sometimes, there's just no rational explanation."

After a while, Kate realized he had fallen asleep. She carefully got up, resting his head on a pillow and covered him with a blanket. She ran her hand through his hair one last time and gave him a soft kiss on the temple. She looked up and nodded to Martha, who had witnessed the whole scene from the kitchen, where she had stayed in the dark.

"Thank you, Katherine," Martha said as she joined her to the kitchen. "I didn't know what to do."

"It's okay, Martha," she smiled tenderly at her. "He fell asleep, I don't know for how long though..." she said looking towards the couch.

"I didn't even recognize him..."

"It's gonna take time, Martha. He went through a lot."

She nodded. Now she knew what was going through her son's mind.

"You... You probably should go back. They're most likely waiting for you. I wouldn't want you to-" she said, embarrassed.

"No, I'm gonna call to let them know I'll go back tomorrow. It's just paperwork. Nothing important. You should go get some rest, Martha. I'll stay with him," Kate offered.

"Are you sure? You should rest too. You haven't slept much either lately," she said concerned.

"I'm fine, Martha, really," she smiled.

"Alright... Thank you," she said hugging Kate. "For everything."

Kate quietly went back to the couch and sat down on the floor. Castle had an arm dangling. She grabbed one of his fingers and stayed like that, looking at him. There was finally some peace on his face. But definitely not on his mind, based on the rapid movements of his eyelids. It wouldn't take long for him to wake up again.

**_To Be Continued..._**

**_Reviews are always appreciated! :)_**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Kate had told Captain Gates she would only stay a few hours that morning. She was finishing up the paperwork from the day before when Esposito joined her at her desk. He looked like he had seen a ghost.

"Kate... There's something I think you need to hear," he said waiting for her to follow him to the tech room.

An audio wave was shown on the screen of the computer. A two minute and forty seven seconds audio clip was ready to be played.

"What is it?" she asked as she sat down on a chair.

"Yeah, you better sit," Esposito warned her. "I was scanning the calls that the dispatch center got at the time of the shooting... I came across this one. It's... You're ready?" he asked, his finger ready to push the space bar in order to play the recording.

Kate looked at him for a few seconds, not knowing what to expect. She eventually nodded softly, anxious.

_"911. What's your emergency?"_

_"Shooting! Mass shooting at the Lincoln Center, send someone right now!" _Kate recognized the voice immediately. Castle was yelling to cover the sound of the gun. _"No, no, no..."_ she could hear Castle talk to himself. _"God!" _he yelled as another scream just stopped dead.

A look of horror crossed Kate's eyes and shivers ran through her backbone. Someone had just been shot. Sounds of bullets, of shattered glasses and of people screaming resonated in the back.

_"Sir? Are you still with me?"_ the woman asked.

_"It's a... tall man, about... thirty... A... machine gun. He's got another weapon at his hip. He walked from the entrance of the main room and... he's now heading to the back... I think."_

"_Sir, what's your name?" _she asked, trying to keep a calm tone.

"_Jesus!" _he yelled as impacts could be heard very close. _"Stay down, stay down!" _he was yelling at someone else._ "Hm... Richard Castle, my name is Richard Castle. Please send someone right now!"_ he said hurriedly.

"_A SWAT team is on its way. We got several calls already." _Only sounds of chaos was heard. No answer. _"Sir? Do you hear me? Sir, do you hear me?"_ the woman at the end of the line repeated several times but she was getting no answer.

Beckett and Esposito looked at each other, worried, hanging on their every word. They finally heard his voice again.

_"Stay with me... Pete! Stay with me... Damn it!"_

_"Sir?"_

_"I... He's..." _he said apparently shaken.

_"A SWAT team is on its way. Where are you?"_

_"Main room, Lincoln Center. I took cover behind a pillar but I... I don't know how long..."_ then they heard him curse when the sounds of fire got closer._ "Hurry!"_

_"Are there any wounded?"_

_"Are you kidding! People are dropping... They're shot dead for Christ's sake!"_

_"I understand. We're doing everything we can. A team is on its way, Sir. Any security officers?"_

They could hear Castle breathing heavily. He was probably taking a look around, scanning the room, looking for a guard.

_"I... see one. He's down. I think he's... I think he's dead. He's not moving. Maybe I can... reach for his gun..."_

_"_No," Kate said shaking her head, as though it was happening live and didn't want him to pursue this stupid idea.

_"Sir, stay where you are. You stay hidden. You hear me? They're coming."_

_"Look... I..." _Castle took a deep breath as the firing of the gun was once again getting closer and louder._ "You tell my family-"_

_"Sir..."_

_"My daughter and my mother, that I love them. I... They are the world to me and that I'm so proud of my girl. Tell... Kate Beckett, NYPD, 12th... I love her. She's the love of my life and I'm sorry she has to go through this because of me..."_

_"Sir, we're gonna get you out of there. I'm told the team has arrived on the scene. They're almost there."_

There were four seconds of complete silence. Then a shaky breathing.

_"Please... don't..." _Castle seemed to be talking with someone else. _"You... You don't have to do this. Please..." _

A blaring deflagration was heard before the busy tone resonated, as though the communication had been lost. Esposito pushed the space bar again before looking at Kate. She was sat there, looking down, gaping, with tears in her eyes.

"No wonder he's taking it so hard," Esposito broke the silence. "Friends of his got shot in front of his eyes. And he almost didn't make it. I really think he was-"

"Face to face with the shooter," Kate finished the sentence, looking up at him, flabbergasted.

Esposito nodded, agreeing with her theory. Who else would he have said that to?

"I think he was begging him not to shoot. What we hear after that... could be the killer being neutralized by the SWAT team. It fits with their report. He was aiming at someone when they took him down."

# # #

Something about that place was making him nervous. Was it the guns? Was it the blaring sirens? Or just the fact that it was the first time he was stepping out of the loft since it had happened? He couldn't tell. He had come here regularly for over five years. But this time it was different. Everything was feeling different. Castle reluctantly walked in the precinct, looking around him as though he was watching his back. Some officers would stare at him as he passed by them. Something was different about him too. When he got off the elevator, he saw Esposito and Beckett talking at her desk. They stopped when they noticed him.

"Hey buddy, how are you holding up?" Esposito asked concerned.

"Really, Espo?" he asked, emotionless. "What does it look like?"

Esposito felt uncomfortable. He realized he needn't have asked. It spoke for itself. Castle was only the shadow of himself. No smart-ass comment, no joke, not even the hint of a smile. He hadn't shaved for two days and his red eyes betrayed his exhaustion. They were a sign that he hadn't slept much for the past two days. No suit, he was just wearing a T-shirt with an old checkered shirt and a jeans. It was not the well-dressed gentleman they were used to seeing. Esposito gave a quick look at Beckett before leaving them alone.

"Hey," Kate said softly. "You're okay?"

"You wanted to see me?" Castle asked gently before startling and turning around in a flash when he heard a man scream.

It was a suspect who was not willing to be put into custody. Nothing more. Castle's heart was racing. Kate noticed. She knew all too well what he was experiencing. When he looked back at her, she gave him an awkward smile, as to let him know she knew what he was going through. Then she simply headed to the conference room, knowing he would follow her.

"What is it?" Castle asked when he saw Esposito waiting in the room.

"There's... something we think you should see," Kate said as she closed the door behind him.

Kate slowly walked to the monitor. She took a DVD to put in the VCR.

"What is that?" Castle asked defensively.

"It's the video footage of the surveillance cameras inside the Lincoln Center. We think-" Esposito explained.

"I don't want to see it," Castle cut him off. "Kate, don't," he said as she was about to put the disk inside the VCR. "I don't want to see it!" Castle exclaimed. "Stop it," he said walking to the monitor as she was ignoring his request. He slammed his hand against the TV to turn it off. "I said stop it!"

Castle stood there shaking his head to stress his refusal.

"Rick..." Kate said very softly.

"You don't think I see it enough? Every time I close my eyes, I see it. I see it over and over again all day long... all night long, and you know that," he said looking deep into her eyes.

He couldn't find sleep. She was well aware of this. How many times already had she been awaken by his gesticulation? How many times already had she woken up in the middle of the night only to find Castle sat on the couch or standing looking through the window? He didn't need to see more of it. He just wanted to forget it. Once and for all.

Kate followed Castle as he walked off, calling him back but he kept walking, heading to the corridor leading to the exit. The same one where she had brought him comfort and coffee when Alexis had been abducted. He just wanted to go home.

"Castle, please-" she said.

"I'm not a cop," he told her abruptly as he eventually turned around. "And I'm not a military guy. I'm a civilian, I'm a writer boy. I've... I've followed you around for years and I've seen some pretty gory stuff but..." he said, not being able to say more for a moment. He shook his head in disbelief. "When you see a gunman walking inside a room and shooting at everything he gets..." he said, once again, unable to finish his sentence. "I hid behind a pillar, Kate. I... hid... behind a pillar," he stressed looking her in the eyes, "while others... _friends_... were getting shot. You really think I need to see more of that?" he asked, with a quivering voice.

"That's not all you did," Kate said very softly, almost whispering. Castle looked at her questioningly. He didn't know what she was talking about. "You don't remember, do you?" she asked keeping a very calm tone, seeing Castle's look of incomprehension. "When Pete Daniels got hit, you jumped for cover," she confirmed. "Then you went back to pull him aside when the shooter headed to the back of the room..."

They both stayed silent for a moment. Castle was trying to search for an image in his memory that would confirm that. He couldn't find it.

"Doesn't matter, he was dead."

"You didn't know that at the time. Castle, you say... that you're not a cop, you're not a military guy? Maybe not. But you acted like one. Because that's what _we_ do. When one of ours is hit, lying on the ground, we go back for him. And that's what _you_ did. That's what a cop does, that's what a military guy does when a brother in arms is lying wounded on the ground," she said pointing to her left. Esposito was standing there in silence. He simply gave Castle a nod to confirm her words. She was right. He had experienced it several times in the military. "That's what you did. And I've got proof of that on video," she added.

"All I know... All I remember... is that I hid behind a pillar," he repeated softly.

"What did you want to do, Rick?!" Kate exclaimed. "You didn't have any gun, you didn't have any mean to respond to his attack!" she tried to reason him. "He had a machine gun! What, you wanted to wave your arms around and jump up an down to draw his attention so he wouldn't kill people?!"

"You did everything you could, bro," Esposito said softly as he got closer. "And more than what other people would have done."

"Wasn't enough," he answered.

"You called 911. We have the recording. You gave plenty of details. You tried to stay as collected as you could be in a situation like that," Esposito added.

"You... You what?" he asked not believing his ears. "What are you talking about? I didn't..." Castle couldn't even remember he had made a call.

"Rick," Kate said taking his hand in hers. Esposito took it as a cue to leave and let them together to have a more private conversation. "I'm here. We'll all here to help you through that. You know that. But you should talk to someone. A professional. It will help. Because it won't go away like that... And it certainly won't go away drinking," she said reminding him of the previous night. "Dr Burke is great. I'm sure he can help you with this, just like he helped me overcome my PTSD after my shooting," she said handing him a piece of paper with a phone number. "Please... give him a call."

**_To Be Continued..._**

**_Reviews are always appreciated! :)_**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Castle hadn't imagined him like this. He was taller and more imposing that he had pictured him. He had a very serene attitude with no brusque banner. Everything he would do or say was done softly. It seemed he was waiting for Castle to speak first.

"Kate Beckett gave me your number. She told me... you were good," Castle started.

Sat in his comfortable armchair, Dr Burke had a tender smile on his face.

"How is she doing?" he asked with his deep voice.

It had been several months since her last visit. If she hadn't come back since it probably meant she was alright.

"Great. She's doing great. Thank you... for what you did for her."

"She did most of the work, and the hardest part." Castle nodded absent-mindedly. He knew what she had gone through and how long it had taken for her to heal. "Now... what about you, Mr Castle? What can I do? I heard what happened, on the news so... I have a hunch as to why you're here today. But please tell me. Why did you come today?"

"I want to forget, like it had never happened," Castle told him looking at the window.

"Tell me what happened."

"You said it yourself. Your heard what happened," Castle said not understanding his request.

"They only outlined the event. I'm interested in what happened to _you _that evening. Part of the process is putting words on what you've experienced, in order to face it, to deal with it and eventually to overcome it. That's why I would like _you_ to tell me with your _own_ words, and with as much details as you remember, what happened. Starting with when you got there. What time was it?" Dr Burke asked.

Castle stared at him for a moment. He trusted Kate. Kate trusted this doctor. He decided to give it a try.

"Around 8:45 pm. I remember 'cause I looked at my watch thinking that two and half hours later it'd be done... I could go home."

"You didn't want to go?"

"Not really. I... I'm not fond of these parties anymore."

"Why not?"

"People change..." Castle sighed.

He was not the playboy he used to be anymore. He had someone to go home to. He had more interesting and more important things to do than to sign women's chests.

"What did you do when you got there?"

"I walked in. I greeted..."

Castle cleared his voice, already tense. He shook his head as though it as already too much.

"It's okay. Take your time," Dr Burke said softly, trying to reassure him.

"I greeted..." he tried again, "a few people."

"I take it those people are casualties?" he asked, having noticed how hurt he looked.

"Yes," Castle looked him in the eyes. "Others are in the hospital. We... talked for a few minutes."

"About what?"

"What does it matter?" Castle asked, surprised by this question that sounded unproductive. Dr Burke stayed silent, waiting for Castle to answer. He got his point. He needed to give as much details as he could remember. "We... caught up. We talked about what was new in our lives, what we were writing. Then I took a glass of champagne, a few of those appetizers... I talked with other... people," he said clearing his voice once more. "Around 9:15 I went to another room to call Kate. I knew she wanted to go to bed early so I... called her to say good night," Castle's voice broke. He realized this could have well be the last time he had heard her voice. "After that I went back to the main room, stumbled upon a few other publishers. We talked business and told a few jokes. Then I looked for Daniels... a writer, and a friend. He..." Castle nervously chuckled as though the simple thought of what they had talked about was really stupid when put into perspectives. "He still owed me a few bucks from an old poker game. He asked me to hold his glass while taking money out of his pocket... That's when..." Castle was brushing his hands on his jeans. They were getting moist. Then he ran his hand in his hair. "That's when we heard deflagrations... People started screaming. Then the glass I was holding exploded into pieces... and Daniels collapsed on the ground." Castle took a deep breath. "When I turned around... I saw... the shooter, a... machine gun in his hands, another gun at his hip. He was... aiming at anybody that was in his sight. I jumped on the floor... hid behind a pillar. After that it's all black. I can't remember... The next thing I know, I'm sat against that pillar... with Daniels lying in front of me... and hearing Kate's voice."

"She was really there or were you hallucinating?"

"She was there, with Esposito, our partner. She helped me get up and... we got out of there," Castle said closing his eyes. He could see the people lying on the floor as they had walked out of the building. That he could remember perfectly. "I can't remember what happened in between, but Kate keeps saying that I tried to pull Daniels out to the side. She says she saw this on the footage of the security cameras. She says I called 911."

"You don't believe her?"

"I don't remember."

"So you don't believer her?" Dr Burke insisted.

"I don't know," he said after a while.

"Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean you didn't do it... You haven't seen that footage or listened to the recording?"

"I don't want to," Castle answered as though it should be obvious.

A silence settled for a few seconds during which Dr Burke didn't leave sight of Castle. He was scrutinizing him.

"When was it?" he asked, knowing the answer.

"A week ago," Castle answered.

"Have you found any sleep?"

"Hardly."

"Why?" Castle looked at him questioningly. "What happens when you try to fall asleep?" Dr Burke tried to be more precise.

"I... I hear people scream... I hear the sound of the bullets. When I close my eyes... All I can see is... them. Him. Even when I blink."

"You're a writer. Have you... tried to write about it?"

"I did. Nothing..." Castle added, shaking his head. "I was staring at a blank page for hours. I... I thought I could make it go away by putting it on paper. I didn't write a single word!"

Dr Burke let Castle breathe for a moment, before leaning forward, resting his arms on his lap.

"Mr Castle..." he eventually took again, very softly. "You need to understand that you won't be able to forget it, you won't be able to make it _go away_. You won't be able to erase it from your memory, _as if nothing happened," _he repeated Castle's words. "What I aim to do with you is help you live with it, so that you can go back to having a normal life."

"A... A normal life? Yeah sure..." Castle scoffed.

"Find sleep again. Be able to laugh again, to enjoy yourself. People who go through these ordeals generally feel a sense of guilt that prevents them from enjoying anything anymore."

"I did nothing wrong." Castle defended himself. "I wasn't the guy with the gun."

"No, you did nothing wrong," Dr Burke confirmed with his deep reassuring voice. "And yet you feel guilty, don't you? You're asking yourself: why me? Why did I get out of there alive? And not Daniels, or others? Why didn't I do more?" Castle stayed quiet. Kate was right. He was good. "Am I wrong?"

Castle was struggling internally. Everything Dr Burke was describing was true.

"You know... Tomorrow is his funeral. Daniels's funeral. And I still don't know wether I should go. Because frankly... to me, it would feel like giving his family the finger," he said angrily. "It's like a slap in the face. _Look, I'm alive! He's not._"

Dr Burke stared at him for a moment, scrutinizing him.

"You said it yourself, Mr Castle. You did nothing wrong," he said very calmly. "You are allowed to attend his funeral if you desire to do so," he paused. "You did not kill him." That sentence worked as electroshock for Castle. "According to what you said, you even tried to help him."

"Now that... That is yet to be determined. I'm..."

"I understand you don't want to see the footage or hear the recording. That's very understandable. After all, why inflict yourself the torture of going through this all over again? But it can help. Actually, I would like you to listen to it, to see it. You will remember-"

"I don't want to remember. I want to forget," Castle cut him off.

"And I told you, you won't. Seeing this footage, hearing that recording, will help you put the pieces together, the pieces of the puzzles that are missing. It will help you understand that there was nothing more you could do. You will have to come at peace with what happened, with what you did or did not do. How can you do this, if you don't remember?"

Castle exhaled strongly. The last thing he wanted was going through it again.

"From what I heard, you have a daughter?" Castle nodded in silence, having no idea where he was getting at. "Any other family member around you? "

"My mother."

"And a girlfriend," Dr Burke suggested.

"A fiancé," Castle corrected.

"Congratulations," Dr Burke said smiling, realizing how far Beckett had gone since her latest sessions with him.

"Thank you."

"You have a daughter, a mother, a fiancé and friends... Some of them went through similar experiences. The first thing to do is to let them help you, to let them be there for you. Don't reject them. It's not pity you see in their eyes. It's care, love. They want you to feel better. You do too. You need to provide yourself with means to get better."

Castle nodded as to accept his first advice. It would take time and hard work from him. He wanted to get his life back. He simply wanted to get better. He simply wanted to be himself again.

**_To Be Continued..._**

**_Reviews are always appreciated! :)_**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

A minute had turned itself into an hour. Then two. Noticing she was still alone in bed, Kate got up and went to his office thinking he would be writing. No one. She looked around and saw him sat on the couch of the living-room. Alone, only accompanied by his lingering thoughts. It was becoming a habit. It had happened at least once every night since the shooting.

"Hey..." she whispered. "You don't wanna come to bed?" she asked gently.

"I'll be there in a minute."

Kate silently leant against the pillar and folded her arms, looking tenderly at him.

"You said that two hours ago... What is it?" Castle looked up at her, surprised by her question. "I mean... Of course I know what's on your mind but... what is it?" she repeated hoping he would open up to her. Castle just shook his head, looking away. He didn't want to discuss it. "You didn't tell me. How did it go?" she asked softly.

Castle nodded, thinking back on his first session with Dr Burke, earlier that day.

"Well. It went well."

"And you, hm... You're gonna go back?"

"You're right. He's good. I think," he finally said after a while.

"You're... gonna go back?" she insisted.

"He wants me to see it, to listen to it," Castle said, looking her in the eyes. "I barely remember anything, and that's alright! I wish I could forget the few things that I remember. But no, he wants me to do the total opposite."

Kate nodded as she sat on table, in front of him.

"He wants you to face it, so that you can deal with it. It's part of the healing process. Denial won't help."

"I'm not in denial. I know what happened. I get it. I just..." he exhaled strongly.

"What?" she asked seeing he would not finish his sentence.

"My heart's already racing, I have a pain in the stomach and I'm sweating just thinking about having to watch it."

"It's gonna be okay. I'll be with you if you want. It's alright," she said. "Castle-"

"Remember the first case we worked on together?" he asked out of the blue.

"Of course," Kate said with a smile thinking about how far they had gone since then.

"You asked me why I was sticking around, why I was interested in the case. I told you: the people, the motives. The stories are what interest me. Why those people? Why these murders? I'm interested in knowing their motivation. It's also true for the characters in my books. Their motives. What drove them? What made them decide to take it a step further, to do something irredeemable? To take someone's life? And there's always a reason. We've always found one. On every case we've worked on... we found a motive. But here... nothing! No explanation whatsoever. We haven't found anything yet, right? _You_ haven't found anything. The _Feds_ haven't found anything either. Nothing at his apartment that helps explain why he did it. He didn't talk to anyone about this. He didn't post a video on the Internet to warn people he would do it. Here's a guy who walked into a building and started shooting at anything he had in sight. Was he targeting someone in particular? Did he have a personal reason for doing that? We don't know. Now, tell me. What does it say about the human condition, about our behavior? If we can't predict it, if we can't explain it... How... how are we supposed to live and enjoy our everyday life, without worrying about what could happen in the next two minutes? Always having to watch our back because who knows what can happen next, who knows what kind of weirdos we're gonna meet? If there is no warning sign, no signal of some sort, nothing that warns us..." he paused staring at her, catching his breath, slowly realizing how much he was opening up. "I can't even understand how you did it. Even more when you were a target..."

"You're right," she said taking a seat next to him. She grabbed his hand. "I was a target. They had a motive. It was not random. Castle, I understand what you're saying, I do. But... this kind of thing can happen tomorrow. You can also have an accident tomorrow. You could get ran over by a bus while crossing the street. Does that mean you won't be able to enjoy a stroll in the city anymore? Anything can happen... I know that. You know that. We all do... That doesn't mean we have to stop living and enjoying ourselves. If anything... my experience, what I went through... reinforced my will to enjoy every moment. _Especially_ because we don't know what tomorrow will be made of."

"I need to know, Kate. I need to know why," he insisted. "I don't... I don't think I can get over this if... if I don't know why it happened."

"We will figure it out. We will," she reassured him. She wanted to promise it but she knew she couldn't. "In the meantime... could you come to bed? You've barely slept since it happened and I hate seeing you like this. I'm worried about you," she whispered. "Please..."

Castle sighed keeping his eyes closed for a moment, then nodded in silence.

# # #

Kate was drying her hand with a towel, gazing in the distance. Not far though. The wall of the kitchen in front of her. She was lost in her thoughts when Martha bought her back to reality.

"Good morning, Katherine," she said.

Kate smiled at Martha while putting her towel on the kitchen counter.

"Good morning, Martha. Would you like some coffee? I just made some."

"Oh no, thank you. I think I've had enough adrenaline lately. I'm gonna stay away from it for a little while."

"Okay," Kate smiled tenderly as she poured herself a cup.

"How's Richard?" she asked concerned.

Kate finished swallowing her sip of coffee and looked towards the bedroom.

"He's still sleeping. He took some sleeping pills last night so at least he got a full night of sleep..."

"Finally," Martha said, relieved.

"Hopefully soon he will be about to sleep without taking those."

"It helps to go see that doctor?"

"I think it does, yeah. We've already seen some improvements. He's in good hands. Dr Burke is really good. I'm very confident."

"Good... good," Martha repeated as to convince herself that it was alright. "How did you do it, Katherine? After your..."

"It took time, Martha. It isn't easy and... in a way, I'd say it's worse for him. He's right, you know. It's different. In his case, he saw people randomly getting killed right in front of his eyes, being powerless, whereas I was the only target... It's gonna stay with him, Martha. He'll probably be back to his normal self at some point but it will come back haunt him once in a while. It's a part of him now," she said looking sorry.

Martha nodded as she listened to Beckett. She was happy that Kate was by his side for this. She knew what he was going through, she could help.

"I feel helpless... like there's nothing I can do for my son and as a mother that's a horrible feeling."

"Being there is already helping. He's not alone. That's important. How are you?" she asked concerned. Martha was on the verge of crying, as Kate took her in her arms. "Oh no," she said gently. "Hey... it's okay," she whispered gently rubbing her back.

"I really thought I had lost him..." Martha started unable to say more.

"I know, but he's here with us. It's over. He's alright, Martha."

They gently pulled away as Martha wiped away her tears.

"I always thought that something would happen to him when he'd be with you... I mean it's obviously more dangerous. There's more chances of getting hurt chasing criminals with the NYPD. I never thought something would happen at one of these fancy parties," she paused. "Thank you for being there for him."

"Always," Kate said with a tender smile.

# # #

Kate Beckett was sat on a chair next to the bed, staring at Castle who was still sleeping. She ran her hand in his hair, with tears in her eyes. She was nervous, anxious of having almost lost him. She couldn't help but think about his 911 call. His voice... She had never heard him being so terrified, so certain that it was over.

Castle slowly moved his head as he was waking up. The first thing he saw when opening his eyes was the cup on coffee on the nightstand. After a moment, he noticed Kate on the chair.

"Hey," she whispered, tilting her head a bit. "Good morning," she said with a tender smile, still playing with his hair a bit.

"Hey..." he said, slowly emerging.

"How are you feeling?" she whispered.

"I feel completely down."

"It's normal. The pills are pretty strong... It's the smell of coffee that woke you up?" she smiled.

Castle would close his eyes for a few seconds before opening them again. He did that several times. He wasn't really there yet.

"What time is it?" he asked, drowsed.

"9:30," she said, keeping her voice low, her hand still fiddling with his hair.

He turned his head slowly and gently kissed the palm of her hand. She was twiddling his fingers with her other hand.

"Kate... You can go back to work if you want."

She had taken an unlimited leave of absence ever since that morning he had stopped by the precinct. She wanted to be there with him.

"No, Castle. And I should have done this right away after it happened. I don't know what I was thinking..." She had gone back to work when she should have stayed home with him by his side. Maybe she was in denial. "Being at home with my fiancé or at work? Hmm... Great dilemma, huh?" she joked. "There's no place I'd rather be," she added on a more serious tone.

"Kate..." he said softly. He was not joking, he was not smiling. He couldn't be more serious. "I'm not gonna do something stupid, if that's why you're staying."

A look of horror stroke through Kate's eyes. She couldn't help but sob. She tried to hide behind her hand. He thought she was staying to watch him, to babysit him, in order to make sure he wouldn't want to _make it stop_ for good.

"I'm sorry," she said embarrassed he'd see her like that, and would see the fear in her eyes.

"No, no... I'm... _I_'m sorry. I shouldn't have said that," he said closing his eyes for another few seconds.

Had he even thought about it? Had he pondered the possibility? Hearing him talk about doing _something stupid_, and final, was shocking and heartbreaking.

"I love you. I love you so much, Rick," Kate said tightening her grip on his hand.

"I love you too, Kate," he murmured before closing his eyes again.

"You... You can go back to sleep if you want. You don't have to get up yet."

Castle opened his eyes again like he was waking up suddenly.

"You'll be there when I wake up?"

"Yes. I'll be there. I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

"'kay... Good." He exhaled strongly, feeling that exhaustion was taking over again. "But if you want to pee you can go, I won't be mad."

Kate let out a laugh before sobbing. This time it was tears of joy, in a sense.

"It's okay, it's just... It's good to hear a joke from you."

It was the first time he had shown some humor again. She came closer to give him a kiss, keeping her hand in his hair as she sat back on the chair. He wouldn't leave grip of her hand as he was drifting off again.

**_To Be Continued..._**

**_Reviews are always appreciated! :)_**


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